Pants On Fire

I have been lying to most of my family for a few months.  Well, my entire family, in-laws included, with the exception of two people.  I really do not like to lie.  I hate lying.  Lying totally stresses me out.  I feel like the truth is nipping at my heels, just waiting to catch up to me and bite me in the butt.

I am lying to save my sanity.

I think that nearly every person in my family asks me regularly when my husband and I are going to have another baby.  Yes, our daughter will be four next month, yes I am thirty-six and have a limited amount of fertile years left, yes our kids will be far apart in age, I know, I know, I know.

So when each one of these buttinsky family members brings up the subject, I look them directly in the face and lie.  I tell them that “I don’t know when.”  I think I am getting pretty good at this lying thing.  I think every one truly believes me.

The truth is, we are trying.  We have been for a few months now.  I learned the hard way the first time around and decided I needed to lie this time for my mental health.  It took two years of fertility drugs to get pregnant with our daughter.  I couldn’t answer a phone call without hearing “Are you pregnant yet?”  It completely stressed me out last time.  I constantly felt like a failure and like I was disappointing our family.  It got to the point that I dreaded even speaking to anyone on the phone.

So I will continue to lie to all but a few close family members, a couple of close friends and whoever reads my blog or follows me on Twitter.  I will continue to belt out big fat lies to all who ask.  And darn it, I won’t feel guilty about it. 

When I get pregnant, my family will forgive me.  

Family & Prejudices

I am trying to teach my child that all people are different.  Different skin colors, different hair colors, different abilities, different families and different religious views.  I want her to be accepting of other people, to not be prejudiced and not to hate.  It is not always an easy task around my house.

We are a Caucasian/Native American family.  We live in a small farming community with Japanese, Caucasian, and Hispanic populations. There are very few African American families in our town.  Living in a community with a lack of different cultures and diversity makes me feel like my task is even more difficult.

My daughter asked me the other day why a friend of families two children’s skin was so much darker than hers.  I didn’t feel like it was necessary to start a lengthy explanation of race and how the Caucasian parents adopted two African American children, since she is so little and I didn’t want to confuse her.  I tried to make it simple and relate it to something she would understand.  I held her little arm up to mine and asked her if she and I were the same exact color.  “No Mommy, your skin is browner than mine.”  I asked her if her Daddy had the same exact skin color as her, and alas, he did not.  My daughter loves dogs.  So I moved on to that to keep her interested and asked if her Grandma’s dogs looked the same as our dog and if they were the same color.  She couldn’t think of anyone who had a dog that looked like ours.  My final words, “Every person and every animal look different, even if only a little bit and that is the way it is supposed to be.”

Trying to raise my daughter without prejudices is tough, when she is only exposed to a limited human diversity and we are surrounded people that make it the more difficult for me.   My husband’s grandmothers are elderly.  They say what they want without thinking about the consequences.  I have had to stop them from saying something negative about one race or another in front of her or in my house numerous times.  In fact one of them just told me yesterday that she had to lock her front door because there was a “black kid trying to sell stuff running around the neighborhood.”  I was appalled and shocked that she felt that strongly. I had spoken with the same kid a few minutes earlier, when he came to the door, gave me his sales pitch and respectfully thanked me even though he did not make the sale. I didn’t feel the need to lock the door when he left. He was completely non-threatening and just trying to earn a living. I also have other in laws that feel the same and speak horribly of people that are gay.

I am also trying to teach my child about people with special needs and different abilities.  I take every opportunity to discuss with my child how every person learns differently.  How some people need have oxygen to breath, how some people need to use a wheelchair to get around, and most recently we are discussing speech impediments and behavioral issues. 

It is definitely a challenge.  I feel it is worth the energy and time.  My child is only three I can only assume that is going to be more difficult as she grows and different situations arise.  But it is my goal to teach her that hate and discrimination are not okay, ever.

To Intervene or Not?

A couple of days ago I met the mom of one of the little girls my daughter plays with at preschool.  My daughter and this child seem to get a long great despite hearing stories of the girl hitting other kids and not sharing.  Apparently she likes my daughter and is nice to her, so I guess all is well.

When I met her mom, she asked me if I had noticed her daughter’s speech problem.  I told her that I hadn’t really spoken to her daughter other than a simple “hello” and therefore, I hadn’t noticed. Strangely, my daughter did mention to me that very morning as we were getting dressed for school that she couldn’t always understand her little friend, but I chose not to mention it.  This mom proceeded to tell me that her daughter had endured some hearing loss when little due to illness and her speech development had suffered greatly. She stated that sometimes her child gets angry and acts out by hitting etc. when she can’t get her point across to others.  She said that her daughter was attending speech therapy but that she was progressing slowly.  She had already made the decision to hold her back from kindergarten for one more year if she didn’t improve to her satisfaction.  This mom appears to be concerned that her child might be teased and have too many communication issues with her teacher and classmates.

I also have a friend with a daughter the same age as the other little girl and my child.  She also has a huge speech problem.  My entire family and her own family have extreme difficulty understanding her.  She attends daycare and not preschool and I am unaware of any problems that have arisen because of her speech. Her parents have decided to do nothing about it at this point.  No speech and language intervention, nothing.  They are riding on the hopes that being around the other kids will bring her speech up to what it should be. 

This little girl is not my child, and I have pretty much kept my mouth shut in this situation unless her mom brings it up.  It is driving me crazy that they have chosen to do nothing.  I have worked in special education for years, and I have worked with countless children with speech impediments.  I know how quickly and easily a lot of speech issues can be resolved, especially when corrected at an early age.  Do they want their child to enter into kindergarten with the knowledge that the other kids will not be able to talk to her? Aren’t they worried that she will be teased?  Don’t they want to at least have her tested and talk to someone about correcting it? Why do they want her pulled out of class for speech when there is a good chance that it can be corrected before she starts school?  Why are they choosing to do nothing?

Maybe I am wrong.  Maybe it is no big deal.  What would you do if it were your four year old?